Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Keepin' it real...

For the royal blog readers, you may have noticed that I haven't posted in a while compared to usual posting habits. I'm going to keep it real and risk sounding whiny.

Many of you know that I'm in the real estate business and this our busiest time of year. I have 89 agents selling for me and things are a bit crazy to say the least.Sometimes I'm being pulled in so many different directions that my arms may rip off. To be honest, even though this keeps me busy, it's not what is getting me down. That's right, I'm admitting that I have been a bit down emotionally. Although, I do wish I was at the pool when I look outside instead of being in the office.

I don't know if it's normal but I have hit a wall with the adoption of discouragement, emotional and fiancial stress. We are 9 months into the process and things are going ok, but to be honest the whole adoption seems so far off and unreal even at 9 months. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. I know that it will all be worth it in the end, I have just hit a week of discouragement not through events, just emotionally. I fear that this sounds selfish because I read other blogs with people who are totally on hold and they have it so much worse than me. Regardless, I'm trying to "keep it real" and let you know how I'm feeling.

We are blessed with so many things and God has and will supply all our needs according to His riches and glory. We are a blessed family, no doubt about that. I wish it was cheaper to adopt so that more children could have a forever family. Although Ethiopia has one of the less expensive adoption programs, it still can cost up to 20,000 and more with all your expenses. The fees blow me away. Kids are also starving in Africa and I feel like I should be doing more.

Another thing that has been heavy on my mind is Rick, my husband. He works really hard and also has a very demanding stressful job. He leaves the house at 6:00 in the morning and doesn't get home until 7:00PM usually. By the time he gets home he is absolutely exhausted. He is an awesome dad. I worry about his health. I love my man and I want him to be around for a very long time. For me, Savannah and the child that we are about to adopt. Rick and I both need to work on finding balance in our lives so when we add a family member we are ready.

We are asking for baby so our lives will change drastically from what we are used to now. We have a 12 year old now that doesn't need constant supervision. I honestly want to adopt so badly I can't even begin to tell you but I still worry about finding balance in all the madness as a working mother and having a busy husband. How is it that I feel overwhelmed and I don't even have the baby yet? I will probably get judgement for admitting to these feelings but hey, this is life and I can't think that I'm the only one dealing with these feeling. Maybe, I am.

I spoke with Radu, our program director about being a working family and my concerns. He stated that compared to what they have now, a child would be lucky to be with us. We do have a lot of love to offer and I can't wait. I need prayers for wisdom and guidance for God to show us how he wants us to procede with areas of help such as a nanny or someone to love our child while we are at work.

So I have rambled enough about a few of the things on my mind. Thanks to those that read my blog. My blug buddies are the ones that keep me sane most of the time during the adoption process. Window shopping will only get me so far and then I vent.

If you are a reader, please introduce yourself. According to google analytics, I have a lot of visitors and I don't know who most of you are. Please leave me a note on the comment section below. I'd love to meet you.


Talk about a bad day! Look at this poor guy!


Linny Best said...

I read your blog through Google Reader...thanks for sharing your story! Hang in there! It will ALL be worth it soon enough, right?!

My husband and I are having our first baby this year and still can't wait to add to our family through adoption later down the road. I like following stories of families doing just that now, in hopes that you all can be an encouragement to me someday!

Rebecca said...

Let me just say...I know exactly how you feel! You talked about the adoption not feeling real. My husband and I talked about this a lot before we got our referral. We were worried there might be something wrong with us :) However, the moment we saw our son's face, everything changed. I didn't burst into tears (which surprised me), I just felt relief. I felt complete. I felt like this was the exact child that we had been praying and hoping for. It just felt like family instantly. Sometimes, though, I still feel like it's not real. I know when we hold him and he's home with us - it will definitely feel real!

My sister and I were both visiting my parents at the same time a few months after she had her first baby. I said to her "Can you believe you're a mom? It doesn't feel real to me!" She responded "I can believe it. Every time I'm awake in the middle of the night feeding him, I can definitely believe it". :)

It will be real and adoption is an emotional roller coaster. That's for sure! I'll be praying for your family :)

Sorry for the novel.

jena said...

I am just reading your blog for the first time via RLC. We are adopting two children from Uganda and are feeling a 'down' right now as well. We have had two court dates scheduled... and then canceled. Although I am not on the other side having completed an adoption I can share that it's a roller coaster of emotions. I think everyone is in agreement that the ride can be bumpy, long, full of unknowns... but when we do finally get to the other side we are going to be so thankful God carried us through!


Boy-oyd said...

I have to keep it real and admit that Google is loving tracking me because I have been to your blog probably 10 times a day seeing if you have posted again. I know you are so busy and I can't believe you have the time to read everyone's AND write on yours! I always love what you post and really enjoy reading it.

I was going to post a comment before but got busy before we had to leave for church and didn't get a chance and I have to say that that was a "God thing" because what we talked about tonight at church couldn't have been more relevant to what I wanted to say to you.

Your feelings are oh so valid but at the same time I have no doubt that you will make it through this and life will figure itself out when your daughter arrives. You and Rick both are in high stress jobs with a lot of responsibility but God will make a way for you and your job and you will have the reward to coming home to each other and 2 beautiful daughters very soon. You adjust to things so well and it will take some time but you have worked so hard for this and you will get to enjoy the fruits of your labor!!

We are not adopting but I really understand what you mean about being overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed everytime I step into our "babies room" and think of all the unknown and what it will be like and if we are really as prepared as we think. And the more that Abby asks about a brother or sister it just makes that feeling stronger. But I have noticed the more I focus on that stuff the more stressed I get which cancels out any progress that we are making.

This class that I am taking is by Joyce Meyer and it's based on her book Battlefield of the Mind. I can't tell you how much it has helped and there were 2 things tonight that I wanted to share with you that I think may encourage you or at least give you something to ponder.

First was Philipians 4:4-8...Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about ANYTHING, but in EVERYTHING, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things, focus on them alone.

With those instructions God follows up with the point of not worrying in Mark 6:34...Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Both of those hit me hard today, not only for the journey that Rickey and I are on but also thinking of you and Rick. Joyce had a good point tonight, she said that we doubt because what we are longing for is not here right now but the only thing that will get us to that finish line is faith and trust and both of those when you depend on them will block out fear. When it comes down to it we think what we want to think, our thoughts are optional and so we should think with purpose and not let the fear creep in. I never looked at thinking as a choice but if we don't make the choice Satan will fill us with the things he wants us to think about. The minute the doubt creeps back up Satan grabs hold and runs with it, and we have to learn when to fight off Satan by filling that space with good thoughts, with God's word and do it with purpose...the purpose of shunning away the Devil.

All of those things have been so hard for me, we have talked about that but it is something I strive for and honestly you have helped me and inspired me in so many ways that I only hope that I can do the same for you. You vent anytime you feel like you need to and we can compete over who can whine the most, we are here for you both and thank you for keeping it real...that is how it needs to be because real is the only place that God is and although it has taken me quite the journey I have finally learned that! :)

Sorry for the novel, I never knew I could "talk" so much...I blame blogging but please know that we love you and no matter what's going on you have our support. And you know...I work from "home" and it doesn't matter where "home" is so if push comes to shove I will work from your home and leave Rickey with "Mom" duties so I can help you get adjusted! It will all work itself out, we just have to depend on FAITH!

Erin said...

I've felt many of the same things. I love seeing people get real - that's when we can really encourage and exhort each other. Hang in there and keep your eyes focused on HIM...that's what this is all about, right? Hang in there, my friend! And God bless.

Lisa & David said...

Lisa here from Denver. Your feelings are valid. They reveal how much you already love this child. And one of your readers said so perfectly that once you see a picture, your heart will melt, yet you will be running on adrenaline for many months to come.

I suggest ... you make a chart of all the steps. Highlight all of the steps that you've accomplished so that you can have a visual of your progress. It'll feel good to see all that you've done.

Then ... celebrate big milestones with a nice dinner out. Each milestone will give you a boost along the way. Prepare for her room, write your daughter love about a new work structure that will make you all happy.

This baby-girl is going to be so loved. How wonderful Amber ... chin up, but know that you are not alone. I never thought I would be at my point, where I'll pick up my baby-girl in just 4 to 5 weeks. I can't believe I'm counting down weeks now. Each step, I thought would never come. They come, you celebrate and prepare for the next step. I cannot wait to hear about your daughter ...


Holly said...

I LOVE that you're getting REAL!
Did you read Angel's challenge at voice of adventure?!?
I am STILL getting real on my blog and it's getting harder and harder!
I won't pretend to have all the answers for you and I'll spare you any "pat" answers about it all being worth it in the end and how blessed you are etc. b/c you KNOW all of that. The truth is... even when you KNOW all of that, the reality is, that your feelings are REAL and legitimate! Adoption is an emotional journey and I've NEVER heard of a family who didn't have concerns prior to their adoption being finalized! We ALL worry to some extent- even when we're having biological kids! We wonder how we will handle the drastic changes and if we can offer our child enough and if we will have enough time, energy and love to go around! This is just part of the process! I'm so glad you blogged about it b/c one of these days you can scroll back and look, remember at your feelings and then marvel at the way God has worked and orchestrated your life to adjust to another child!
As a stay at home mom, I just wanna say I admire you for all the work you do IN and OUT of your home. You rock!

Leah Reeves said...

We all know how you are feeling. The wait is hard and yet you fear the outcome. We are first time parents like you know and scared didn't even come close to how we felt while in the waiting period. I was not sure if I would even be able to care for an infant. Somehow it all works out. You are and will be a working mom and you will find your way. What are you worried about, you are already a great mom to one daughter and soon it will be two.
My best advice about the wait is to let yourself feel sad at times. I do not know anyone who has adopted and not gone through the down periods. You are normal. One day you may be up and the next have fears or just tired of the wait.
I am glad you posted about all this because I was becoming worried about posting for over a week.

emily said...

This is a roller coaster ride and the waiting is hard. There are no easy deals in international adoption!! Your feelings are so valid Amber. Hang in there. You will have light and all of the waiting will be worth it, oh and then you get to wait some more. :)

Hope you have a blessed day!

Lori said...

I have to ditto everything that Em said.... Your feelings are real and valid.... hang in there, it WILL happen!

Hugs from NH ~

Lisa and Cory said...

UGH! I had written this long, thoughtful comment, and then for some reason it didn't post and I lost it! Basically what I wanted to say is I totally know where you're coming from! There's been many times where Cory and I say "How do people have TIME to have babies? We barely have time to take care of ourselves!" But I guess it all falls into place. I know you feel like it's taking forever, but sooner than you know it you'll have your baby home and forget what the waiting was like! Just like labor! (or so they tell me...) :)


~ lisa

~Laura~ said...

I feel ya sister. I could have written this post myself. I feel like as close as we are we are still sooo far away. As much as I want her home, I'm scared of the adjustment at the same time. I'm worried about how my 2 year old will adjust. He's not going to handle it well. He will adjust eventually but it's going to take time. Anyway, just know that you're not alone. Praying for you sweetie!

Lisa J. said...

Hey - I check in on you regularly and we met (via email) when you were looking for a reference for Adoption Avenues.

I know what you mean about the long wait and your worries and concerns. It may seem like a while before you hold your baby girl, but that referral is just around the corner and then time doesn't stop after that! I tend to think of our adoption timeline as pre-referral and post-referral. And your referral will come at the perfect time for you. So hang in and keep busy.

I love reading your posts!


Zack & Rebecca Caldwell said...

As everyone else has said...your feelings are sooo normal..I know that doesn't make it any easier, but just know you aren't alone. I think I hit the same point as you around our nine month mark, and I may hit it again, who knows! What I do know is that God is so faithful in every area. You are being obedient to his call, and he is going to be there with you. You can count on that!

Lori S said...

Hi Amber. I had the same fears when I was expecting our now 3 year old. My children at that time were 9, 12 and 15. We wanted her so badly (we had tried for a long time and had a miscarriage) but I was nervous about how she would fit into our busy, busy schedule. Even after she was born, there were times when I thought, "what were we thinking?" God knew what we were thinking--it was something like 'she is going to be an amazing part of our family that we just won't know what we would have done without! She will add joy, humor, utter amazement, and, yes, stress, to our lives.' God is awesome and knows everything. He will help you through this, and you will be amazed!
I pray for peace for you now--enjoy the ride!
Lori S

The Broken man said...

Hi, I have just started reading your blog, and thought that since you asked so nicely I would leave a comment to introduce myself!

The Broken Man

Jennifer said...

Hi there! I was just blog surfing today and came to your blog only to find a picture of my beautiful daughter on the right hand side of the picture on your header! Isn't she gorgeous?
The wait and the stress of adoption is overwhelming, but just look at my daughter and then come visit my blog... see her a year after that picture was taken and I dare you to tell me that everything that we went through to be her family was not worth it.:-)
May you have a wonderful day!

Leah said...

Came across your blog through the diaz family. We are also using adoption avenues and are very intrested in seeing everyone elses in there time frame with them and how it is going please let me know and when your start date is and when you think you will fly? thanks so much and blessings to you and your family!