Monday, January 5, 2009

Internal struggle...

OK, I have felt really convicted over the last few months but especially over the last week. I don't know how to verbalize my feelings so this is a warning that this post might not make sense.

I start by saying, I know that God wants his children to be blessed. I also know that He wants us to give, maybe until it hurts a little. Although I do not feel we are materialistic, we have a lot of nice things. Very Nice house, nice cars, 3 square meals a day and so on. I fell like my priorities are all out of whack!!! We are definitely givers and that is why we are so blessed, I think. I also know that my husband and I work our butts off. We actually work too much and I think that is a sin too because I feel it is taking away time from family and God.

Balance. What is it and does anyone ever achieve it? It is a huge struggle. How do you make sure you are spending enough time on marriage, individual kid time, jobs, fitness, SLEEP, and personal time with God. I consider myself a very time disciplined person and yet I have not found a way to achieve balance. I am told that if something is important to you, you make time. Is it really that easy? What if a lot of things are important to you.

I feel I have let myself go, I am gaining weight, losing energy, and working harder than ever! and yet...I am so unbalanced. frustrating.

I have really started to examine what can be taken off my plate lately knowing that Sweet pea is coming home. As I start to examine my plate, there is only a few things I can take off. So this means I need to find a way to re prioritize.

In addition to trying to find balance, I have felt I don't Give enough and do enough for the less fortunate. I am blessed with so much. Should we live in a smaller house and work less so we can do more missions work or give more money.
Their are starving kids and dying people who need help. When you see starving people and people in villages carrying water for miles, it's not just a commercial. It's REAL! How can I live in this large home when people are starving?

I know I am rambling but I really need to seek God on all this. I don't know what to do and it's a heavy burden on my heart.

Thank you Jesus for how you have blessed the Boyds and please lead us in the direction You will have for us, both in our time and in our finances.

Sorry for rambling...I am not even going to read this over before posting because I fear I will sensor my words and not keep it REAL. So here it is. Pushing the Post button...

Lilypie Date is set Ticker

Lilypie Waiting to adopt Ticker

Lilypie Waiting to adopt Ticker


Angela said...

Hi Amber,

You are blessed because you give. God has made you a steward over much because he can trust you to give. Each of us have different missions at different points in our lives.

If you feel your life needs more balance, I'm sure your search for guidiance will be granted by God. He will direct your path. Don't feel guilty for being blessed especially if God has given you a heart of charity for the less fortunate.

I gave up a more lucrative position for better hours but we have a new desire to adopt in which I would presently like to have the money I used to make. However, that would require me to be away from home a lot more possibly even after our adoption is complete.

In my previous role I the same conflict of not feeling like I worked all the time. I did and my salary proved it. There are no easy answers. I'm sure when your Sweet Pea comes home, God will make your path clearer on the direction He has for your life. I trust he will do the same for mine.

I'll remember you in my prayers.

Cyndi said...

I have had these same thoughts... prayed these same prayers. God has really brought about some HUGE changes in our life over the past several years. I completely understand your thoughts and convictions... and I will say that they are not for nothing, and they are not from yourself, but are evidence of God's grace in your life. Maybe some things need to change, maybe some things need to be simply seen in the proper perspective, only you can know that through prayer and Scripture. Just keep praying, stay in the Word, and take each step, walking in the light you are given, and the next step will become more evident. I just stopped and prayed Phil. 1:9-11 for you:

"And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight,so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God." I also prayed for your upcoming court date.

Thanks for sharing your heart. :)

Erin and Keith Sager said...

I have been in that place many times, and I know you will get through it and move forward..Here's to a New Year!!!

emily said...

Great transparent post. He will guide and direct your path. It is no accident that you are wrestling with these things before you travel to Ethiopia and your eyes are opened to so much there. You will most definitely never be the same but in such a great way. You will leave a piece of your heart in Sweet Peas birth country.

Can't wait to see what He reveals to you and your family!

Kate said...

I've been following your blog for about a month now. We are also adopting a baby girl from Ethiopia. I felt compelled today to "delurk" and share that I feel we are on the same path right now. I just posted about this very issue on my blog today. I hope you find contentment and joy in God's blessings.

Angela said...

Hi Amber,

As you can see, I can't type, however I can pray with you.

Sweet Patience said...

You are not alone and I can definitely relate right now.
The blessing is that you are aware of it and you are praying for direction and God will show you the areas. We are only one, and we must take care of the body that we have be given as well. I hope that you will find peace and I feel that what you are feeling is real and things will come.

My parents tell me to keep things balanced in my life all of the time. I do not know how to say no to to committed to help others with things and I do not give myself proper rest, the correct nourishment and a consistent workout.

While, I am not complaining, I also pray too that I will find a sense of balance this year and not become overwhelmed with a new little one.
It is amazing how many of us are in different parts of the world but going through similar things. I was going to post about this topic this week because I had not listed a few things that I wanted to change this year and balancing my life and my time accordingly is at the top.

I pray that God will direct you in the path that you need to go in, regarding making more time for yourself and other areas that he may desire you to go in, which may mean cutting back in another area. You are a believer and you are obedient, I truly believe you will receive your answers sooner than later. You are not in this alone.
Peace and Blessings,

The Albertsons said...

hey there...
it's great that you are even thinking this way... the struggle is part of how God convicts us to change. The good thing is that nothing you do will cause God to love you more or less... remember the gospel! But in light of what He reveals to your heart, your duty is to respond. I love the brooke fraser song that says "now that i have seen... i am responsible... faith without deeds is dead." she's referring to what she saw in Africa. If you are being convicted to change some parts of your life, ask God to show you what steps to take and when. And be kind to yourself... God loves you deeply and has an abundance of grace for you... the journey of changing may be really slow, or somehow different from what you imagined. I'm just so grateful for your heart!

Kristi J said...

What a great and truthful post!! There is never perfection!! I just always remind myself that i'm trying my best and that is all I can do!! Yes, I should give more, do more, etc...but as long as I keep improving and never become "content" with what I'm achieving then I think I'm OK....I don't beat myself up...I just smile and keep trying to do better...that's my simple thoughts on it!! I'm too tired and sleep deprived to get very deep :) My brain works on about a 3 yr. old level these days, ha. kristi

L & J Gutwein said...

Hey Amber... great post.. I think it is only possible for each person to know their own heart on these issues. I love how God talks to each of us in his own way unique to each of us. I do remember frequently what my grandfather said: we must live simply so that others may simply live.
Finding balance may be the most difficult thing we ever do: I think it is a daily battle although prioritizing correctly definitely makes the process easier.Love, J

dan and rachel said...

totally agree. we feel this way too! especially about our house!

Domestic Goddess said...

The first thing that came to mind was Phil 1:9-11 and I see that Cindy posted that above. I think the struggle of balance is and will always be an ongoing thing, we think we achieve it only to feel like we are in the same place all over again just a few weeks or months later.

One thing I can say from experience and being so blessed to have you as my Mum is that your heart is in the right place, and that is the foundation that will help to change your life. No matter how hard you try your plate is going to be full, and when Sweet Pea gets here you may need to upgrade to a bigger plate but I have no doubt that you will do just fine. It's all about the order you add it to the plate and how much you let the stuff overlap. Play with your schedule and the order that you try to tackle things in and see what you can come up with. You are a VERY creative woman, your heart is in the right place and you have more will power and determination when you set your mind to something. Use all those amazing strengths to see what you can come up with, it may take a few different trys but that will just help you to figure out what will work best.

Romans 5:13 says "Hope fills you with all joy and PEACE as you TRUST in Him." In balance there is peace so just keeping trusting, God has a plan for you and so far the plan he is unvieling is amazing, I can't wait to see what else He has in store.

I love how open and honest you are, how did I get so lucky to get such an amazing Mum?!?!?!?! I am thankful for you so many times a day, keep your chin up and keep on truckin'. You are where you are at this moment because you have worked your bottom off to get there, and because you have let the Lord lead your way, and He has blessed you!

Chantelle Becking said...

I hear you! I feel so much the same way. This is good to have these thoughts and feelings...It keeps us all in check. I too, believe you have much because you have given much.
God is good and faithful, and you are right, most of us do not NEED half of the STUFF we have.
Mindfulness.... And you are mindful. God will provide new avenues for you to serve and give back if that is what you are supposed to do. I believe more than anything, He wants us to have a willing heart...and then He can use us. (And it certainly seems like you do)
In the midst of the financial drama most of us are dealing with these days, I am seeing the real things that God has so freely given me.
A healthy family is one thing I kind of never even considered thanking God for regularly (I guess I expected it)...And now I do...Every day.

I can't wait to hear you passed court and see all of the pics!